Yes, it's that Leonard Nimoy.

Original Poster

Three Men and a Baby (1987)

Directed by Leonard Nimoy
Written by Jim Cruickshank and James Orr
Based on the French film Trois Hommes et un Couffin (1985)
Music by Marvin Hamlisch
Production Design by Peter S. Larkin
Starring Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg and Nancy Travis


Originally released on November 25th, 1987.
   

     Three things I didn't know about myself before watching TMAAB; Tom Selleck reading the highlights of a boxing match to a baby is my kink; Ted Danson singing 'My Girl' to a baby in the shower is my kink; Steve Guttenberg pretending to paint a baby is my kink. Having made these realizations, I come to you now a more enlightened, more complete version of myself. And I'm ready to talk about what may be of the greatest films of our time. Of course I'm exaggerating, but then again, am I? There are lots of things wrong with this movie, but there is also so much that's right with it. Its charm and surprising restraint is as unexpected as it is refreshing. And this unforeseen merit didn't go unnoticed when it was originally released. This movie made more money than any other film released in 1987. More than Robocop. More than Dirty Dancing. More than Harry and the Hendersons, for Christ's sake! And it wasn't just the cast of not quite A-list but not quite B-list actors ranging from stunningly handsome to Guttenberg that drew crowds. There was also competent, functional film making, with a layer of kind, genuine sincerity. It's this layer that leaves one ready to not only rethink their ideas of how men relate to parenthood, but also how great Tom Selleck looks in a tank top.


   

Who wears sunglasses in a public pool?

     The plot is very simple, and also lifted from a french film made only two years prior (haven't watched it yet; will keep you posted). Three handsome, successful, and based on their lifestyles, rich best pals live together in an absolutely beautiful penthouse apartment in New York (on the fucking park, no less). Peter (Tom Selleck) is a rugged, no nonsense Architect. Jack (Ted Danson) is a flighty, outgoing actor. Micheal (Steve Guttengerg) is a goofy, fun-loving cartoonist. They all sleep with a great many women (virtually none of whom are deemed important enough by the film to have lines or more than 2 seconds of screen time). One day a baby shows up on their doorstep with a note. A woman Jack slept with roughly a year ago in England says the baby is his and that she can't care for her. Peter and Micheal are stuck dealing with her while Jack is in Turkey working on a movie. "Cool Boys" don't know what to do with a baby!! How will they cope?! The baby almost immediately starts audibly pooping, setting the tone for most of the gags throughout the rest of the movie. Hilarity ensues. Obviously.


   

Is it Mary's stinky diaper that smells or is it The Gutte's performance?

     So let's talk about Steve Guttenberg, an actor best known for wearing shorts in Cocoon (1985). I love him, and for the sake of brevity and also just because I want to, we will refer to him from here on out as "The Gutte". Our buddy Gutte never really made it. After some success in the Police Academy franchise, he fumbled his way through the aforementioned Cocoon alongside Don Ameche, Hume Cronyn and the moustache that walks like a man, Wilford Brimley. Then, for reasons unknown to science or nature, he was cast as "the goofy one" in TMAAB. Sure, his character is cute, and he's got a cool job, but he doesn't have the same...je ne sais quoi as Magnum and Malone. He's a little too broad at times, a little too subtle at others, and frankly, occasionally a little racist, with the use of an unfortunate accent (?) with a puppet named "Mr. Cool". That being said, the character is essentially there to make the other two look better, and he very competently pulls that off. But do they really need help? I mean, come on. Look at these fucking guys. Don't get me wrong, I like The Gutte. A lot. He's just my cup of lukewarm tea. But we all know what he's here for. At this point in his career, he was essentially just gearing up to be the 'and' credit in a low budget movie about smart puppies (if you're interested, this also has Billy Zane in it).

Do you think if we look at her like she's got a
giant zit on her face she'll stop crying?

     On a more serious note, the most surprising feature of this movie is it's respect for non traditional masculinity. Now, the masculinity on display is non traditional in context, and only in some ways. It's 1987, so lower your expectations. While Peter, Jack and Micheal all individually live pretty heavily steeped in a toxic idea of manhood, when it comes to stepping up and caring for a baby girl, they take it seriously and so does the film. The three main characters are "cool", successful, independent dudes who initially speak of women pretty negatively. For the first third of the movie, women are essentially commodities that don't even drive the story. They pass in and out of these bachelors bedrooms, easing the audience into accepting their familiar patterns. What isn't familiar is that, while there are plenty of jokes about Peter, Jack and Micheal's inexperience with babies, the jokes are never at the expense of their masculinity. It is never suggested that they are lesser or weak men because they grow to love an infant. A lesser story would make the sensitivity and vulnerability they show a point of humour. Like it's funny to see men show genuine affection for a baby the way a woman might (in traditional, rigid gender roles that do not acknowledge that not all women feel maternal). It's misogynistic, homophobic, low hanging fruit that the film never goes for.

Here's a really cool article that outlines the design
of the apartment with plenty of pictures!

   
     I want to take a second and nod hard at the production designer on TMAAB. He did a beautiful job that I literally dream about. Now, it is as unlikely as me ever getting a date with 1987 Ted Danson that these three bros live in the apartment that they do, but hey that's the magic of cinema. Our buddy Gutte spends the opening expository montage painting the front foyer of a penthouse on the park, with three large bedrooms, each decorated to reflect the occupants character. A cozy living room, huge windows on one side, a hall of glass bricks leading to the kitchen on the other. I'm a little fuzzy on the exact layout of the place, but there's a pool table and jukebox that appear to be just off the kitchen, which is of course fully windows and plants and beautiful 80's minimalist design. Their kitchen is in a god damn green house surrounded by pigeons (and is miraculously not covered in bird shit). The design isn't just excellent in their apartment. Peter, Jack and Micheal also all look perfect. They're always a cohesive unit, with their own uniqueness wound in. Their clothes are current and stylish, relaxed and uncomplicated. Their hairdos look like they take a little time spent with a hairdryer to achieve, but not too much time, ya know? Easy, breezy, beautiful...white guys. The look of TMAAB is consistent, modern and non-threatening, striking just the right tone to fit with the rest of the movie.


   

What the hell is this thing?

     There's a theme I will touch on a lot in this blog that I'd like to close with here. Just because you like it doesn't mean it's good, and just because it's good doesn't mean you'll like it. There is subjectivity and objectivity in art, and that is especially true for film. And something I try to keep in mind when I'm looking critically at a movie. So do I love this movie? Yes. Do I think it's a good film? God no. In the end, what Three Men and a Baby leaves us with is a standard Hollywood star vehicle, made with confidence and written well. It's Peter, Jack and Micheal's earnest and sweet acceptance of a baby that they ostensibly have no responsibility to that sets it apart. If you're not compelled to watch this thing based on what I've given you here, I don't blame you. But I do ask that you do yourself a favour and watch one of it's most delightful scenes, which I will link to here.

***

     Now, I know what you're thinking. I went through that whole review and didn't refer to the name of the director. Well, if you were wondering, yes. It's that Leonard Nimoy. It's not his first or only directorial credit, but fuck if it isn't one of the weirder ones his name is attached to. Anyway. Live long and prosper! See you losers next week.


*DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to any of the images used in this article. I've provided my sources for them throughout, but if there are any copyright conflicts please let me know!